I am not one of those guys who would say they have always known when asked when did they realize they were gay. In fact, I didn't realize I had these attractions until I was 19.The first time I thought about being gay was when my sister jokingly asked my father what would he do if I turned out to be gay. I didn't think much of it, but it did bother me when he said he would disown me. You see, that term didn't mean anything to me yet, but after that day, I realized it had a negative connotation.
After hours of porn surfing on the newly built Internet around that time, I noticed that my attention was slowly migrating to the men's body instead. Back then, Internet was only AOL. I went into the M4M chatrooms and it gave me a funny feeling inside that I have never felt before when they were making advances towards me and sending me photos. It was partly a thrill and partly guilt. I felt bad.
At the time I was looking for a father figure. Even though my father lived with me, I have always felt his absence ever since I turned 10. Most of the time he would be out with his friends, and when he was home he was usually drunk or making nippy comments about me. I was asking for an older brother or a father. Sadly or luckily, it never happened.
Around that time, I had my biggest struggle with my guilt which lasted for five years. I've always thought that there was this huge, black secret that I harbor, and I was scared to death about it being revealed. I tried the best I could dating girls, which worked at the time, but it just was so different from being intimate with a guy. What's scarier about dating girls is that I would have images of my sister in my head when I was with a girl.
I wished I could take a knife and sever that part of me.
