My struggle

I am not one of those guys who would say they have always known when asked when did they realize they were gay. In fact, I didn't realize I had these attractions until I was 19.

The first time I thought about being gay was when my sister jokingly asked my father what would he do if I turned out to be gay. I didn't think much of it, but it did bother me when he said he would disown me. You see, that term didn't mean anything to me yet, but after that day, I realized it had a negative connotation.

After hours of porn surfing on the newly built Internet around that time, I noticed that my attention was slowly migrating to the men's body instead. Back then, Internet was only AOL. I went into the M4M chatrooms and it gave me a funny feeling inside that I have never felt before when they were making advances towards me and sending me photos. It was partly a thrill and partly guilt. I felt bad.

At the time I was looking for a father figure. Even though my father lived with me, I have always felt his absence ever since I turned 10. Most of the time he would be out with his friends, and when he was home he was usually drunk or making nippy comments about me. I was asking for an older brother or a father. Sadly or luckily, it never happened.

Around that time, I had my biggest struggle with my guilt which lasted for five years. I've always thought that there was this huge, black secret that I harbor, and I was scared to death about it being revealed. I tried the best I could dating girls, which worked at the time, but it just was so different from being intimate with a guy. What's scarier about dating girls is that I would have images of my sister in my head when I was with a girl.

I wished I could take a knife and sever that part of me.

Laughter

He laughed at me when I asked him out...

Rationalize

My ultimate defensive mechanism, which I rely heavily upon to make me cope, is rationalization. Whenever I encounter things that do not go in my favor, I'd rationalize it.

This time, however, no matter how hard I tried, I am hurting deeply inside.

I am hurting because neither of them did tell me. I know I shouldn't, because I would probably have done the same as they did if I were them. I am still hurting inside though...

One week till possible end

So this could be the end of the reason why I started this journal.

The person I have been having feelings for has a secret, and I think I am feeling jealousy for it.

I think we've made a little progress today, after driving home from snowboarding. He jokingly caressed my ear, and hugged me before he went into the house (which he never does because he's closeted).

Another friend of mine called me this very night. He had something on his mind, kept mentioning he does not want to jeopardize our friendship. He was nervous, and his speech was in circles. I knew something was up. After letting out a long sigh, I jokingly commanded him to just let it out.

"I was together with J when I was in LA..., I feel really guilty about not telling you before. I wanted to tell you, but J didn't feel comfortable. When things got on, it just became harder and harder..."

The words sounded like a thundering roar in my head. My ears are still ringing, but I had to react quick. It felt as if an axe had struck my heart, splitting it in two. Still, I wish to save his friendship...at least I thought so at the moment.

I assured him that it was alright that he didn't tell me, because he finally did come clean with me now.

"This is so embarrassing... I broke up with him first, but now that I am coming back to LA, I think I want to get back together with him again."

Hack, hack, and the ax does not stop.

I had no idea how I got through the rest of the phone conversation sounding so hyper and happy. Jealousy is tearing me apart.

"I plan to call him tomorrow and talk about it... If you saw me this weekend, it means good news."

So, an ultimatum. My heart is hanging in the middle of nowhere, waiting to be dropped or saved.

Good luck...to him or myself...I really don't know anymore.

Appearance

I fully support the technological advancement in cosmetic surgeries. Perhaps one day when we can change our appearance to extreme attractiveness on the go, switch between faces, and zap away the fat on command, people will actually start focusing on what there really is that makes up the essence of a person: the character and personality. So slice away the fat Mr. Plastic Surgeon, take out those ribs Ms. Model, and get them injections in your boobs.

In this darkness

Friends and I decided to go see a movie tonight, catching the very last showing at 10:30pm. There were barely any audience there at night, and including the four of us there were only seven in the theater. They decided to occupy the whole row by lying down, I came down one row to sit in the center. When the film rolled, the lights dimmed, and sitting all alone. There was this feeling of familiarity coming over me like a sudden tidal wave, immersing me in it. I think I am falling in love with loneliness again.

Pink Kryptonite

From our trusted Wikipedia:

Pink Kryptonite From an alternate timeline in a 2003 Supergirl storyline by Peter David, this bizarre variety of kryptonite apparently turned heterosexual Kryptonians temporarily into homosexuals; it was seen in just one panel, with Superman giving flattering compliments to Jimmy Olsen about his wardrobe and decorative sense. It spoofs the more "innocent times" of the Silver Age (Lois Lane is depicted in this story as not understanding what's gotten into Superman).

Our worlds, coming together

It's been so long since I have been hanging out with the original group of friends, yet within the last week I have ran into almost all of them. His friends, my friends, we all seem to have connections to each other than I've realized. I hope it doesn't hinder our chances in the future, because I do not want to be the factor of his force coming out.