The smile...

I am sorry I didn't explain to you why I felt sad when you talked about how when I smile I looked evil. You see, you didn't really upset me. It was because ever since I was little, my mom and sis always make me feel extremely self conscious when I smiled. They said my smile was unnatural and appeared really forced. It also had to do with my early life. It was mostly unhappy. I've learned to smile whenever I can, laugh as loud as I could, because they come by so rarely; and now, they are my habit.

It's a split...

I am sad to report that there is no progress with my friend. I think he has lost much of his interest in me, and I am quite frustrated. On the other hand, this cute guy from St. Louis came for a visit and is really into me. Too bad he's from out of the state, although he said he would be here for internship during the summer, but we'll see.

Although he is gradually introducing me to his family and friends, but I think it's probably because he's more comfortable with me, instead of wanting to include me to be part of my life in my wishful thinking.

Speaking of the guy from out of the state, we made out all over GB last night. Every time I get drunk lately I've managed to make a spectacle of myself. Though, it did feel nice to be held and kissed. It makes me feel less invisible and alive.

A Love to Hide / Un amour à taire

Set in the time of World War II France, when Nazis deported homosexuals to concentration camps. A story revolving around Jean, a homosexual, and his relationship to his lover, family, friends, and how people were treated in the era. It's quite touching, realistic, and not over the top. Although I have to say there are small gaps in the overall story flow of the movie, but it's nothing that would leave you confused about the plot. It's definitely worth seeing.

Good to go! II

So now I got my new gloves, board and binding for $200 at Big 5. Now I am really ready for this season. The last thing I need to take care of is the Blue Shield health insurance then I am really start free styling!

I put them all together by reading guides on About.com. I am so proud of myself. Excited now because this is actually the first expensive sports gear I have ever owned.

Good to go!

Got my Super Park snowboard boots from DC, cashmere plaid scarf from Banana Republic, and my 500 point Mountain High Resort
lift pass. Not too sure what I am going to do with the snowboard or bindings yet...but I am good to go this season! Will be renting a lot of snowboard but I will definitely make my trip up the mountain every single day I don't have school. See you on the slopes! I'll be the one tumbling down the hill most of the time.

Waiting...

When I find something I want in the store and if it were over my budget, I tend to sleep on it. Wait for a month, and if I still want it I will go to the store and get it. When it comes to relationships, I do the same too. Usually people get impatient and lose interest, but I wonder if it were just an infatuation or I had actually lost my chance?

UN-Denying

I am Taiwanese, I am Chinese, I am Asian, I am American, and I am Asian American. I am the many things that pile up to be who I am. I speak with an accent in all the languages I know fluently: Mandarin, Taiwanese, and English. I will not deny any part of myself that would allow me to experience this wide spectrum of life just to gain acceptance. I will not feel embarrassed about any part of myself anymore because they allow me view my world from this very unique perspective.

Closet frustration

He's closeted. It means his family knows nothing about him being gay. It's really difficult to make any moves on him since I can't do anything to him in public, and it's not everyday when I could get him to go to a private space such as my room. There is also the stupid school in the way. Most of the time we spend together we are either in public, or concentrating on studies when we are at my house.

So far we've only gone up to the point where we cuddled in bed, and for some reason I feel a bit distant from him than before. Lately he's developed this habit of slapping me across my back or my arms, and I don't think I should even bother try reading too much into it. At least lately I feel like he's enjoyed my company more than ever. We'll see how it goes after this week.

The chase...

Sometimes it does feel a little more exciting having something just within your grasp but isn't quite in your hands yet. The chase...

Having it loses its novelty rapidly.

Cooling down with...

I guess one problem I have is I tend to want to see a person all the time when I become interested. I want to see that person at least once. I wonder how I survived all the long distance relationships I've had...?

After the last guy I dated, I have learned to cool down as the other person does as well. I'll adjust myself to the level they respond to me. Problem I had in the previous relationship was because I give too much, to a point where I felt like if I were on the other end of the relationship, I would really be attracted to myself either. There was no mystery, and it was all give and give. Though it'd still be nice if someone did that for me once in a while, but not all the time.

Christmas is coming. I guess I'll pick him up a small present.