When the cat is away...

Over the weekend I hung out with friends I went out with almost every single weekend earlier this year. I haven't seen them in a while due to the fact that I was insanely overburdened in school and work. This group of friends was just in the process of coming out when I first met them. Whilst I was away, everyone had gotten much more comfortable with their sexuality and experimented more. All I heard from coming out over the weekend is so and so made out with him and him, and people who used to be quite prude had turned into slut and so on. I feel like a fucking virgin.

New development between him and me...

I did not make an attempt to contact him over the weekend. For one thing I was really cracked out, and I don't think I'll make a really good impression of myself. Secondly, I was a little unsure of how he would react to my actions of holding him while falling asleep. I was way inside my head thinking about he was just being a nice guy just like he does to everyone.

So when I messaged him last night, he didn't seem thrilled. It makes me a little more sure that there is something more than I have given credit for between us.

Today when I called as I walked out of class, he seemed eager to meet me up for dinner. I will not second guess myself again and will try to call him at least once a day now.

Ongoing dreams

I have many dreams that happen in episodes and unfolds like a drama. They do happen in courses of many different nights, with different story lines and in the same setting. The following is a post apocalyptic one. This time should be the third night I have the same dream in this setting, but a different character.

This time I am a girl around the age of 14 to 15 in a post apocalyptic world, but nobody knows why the world ended. There was only about 20% of the population left, maybe even less. Nobody understood whether it was wrath of God or a natural disaster. The world was torn, the world no longer works like how it naturally does now. There was a strange glow in the wind at night, the mountains around the houses I lived in were all bare, no vegetations whatsoever, and the color of it is a bit sandy, as if the mountains were piled up by sand from the beach. The government was not functional anymore due to the lack in membership at every level. Instead, it was replaced by a new oppressive government, which in attempt to figure out what went wrong, ordered everyone to remain home in the designated area and not to communicate with each other so that the state is not further aggravated. From time to time, the government will send out the new police to take people away or kill people on the spot for breaking the law.

There was this boy, aged around 15 to 16, who was my neighbor. We don't even know each other that well. There was this older, mysterious man who holds a strange book that glows with purple, and he seemed to know the secret inside, which is how the world ends. The old man had white hair with freckled skin. I felt like I could not trust the old man, but he seemed to hold the key information of what had happened. One time he warned me of the police coming, but in a malicious manner, as if he was smirking about the fact that the police was coming after me. Intuitively I felt like I had to run away or be killed. So I went home to get supplies for the escape, but the police was already coming for me and I could see them on the other side of the fence, however, they did not notice me. The neighbor pulled me underneath a bed, and tightened the bedding draping off the sides of the bed, which somehow made it appear that there was no space between the bed and the floor. I was suffocating and it was not just in dreams. There was a strong sense of anxiety as well. Then I woke up.

There was this part in the very beginning of the episode where I sneaked to a coffee place next to a river. Inside the shop it looked more like a theater. There were people there who gave me this woman's handbag made from paper. It is a trick handbag where there is a mechanism inside involving a sliding round razor which will begin rolling if the handbag was held at some point. As it slides past a certain point in the handbag, the friction will cause a spark, and the spark will ignite the bag, which in turn will burn the person holding it. Some people in the theater made me give it to an old lady that nobody liked for some reason. After 2 trials, we made the bag catch on fire and the old lady was too old and slow to reaction so she caught on fire and ran out screaming. Everyone else was laughing, but I felt really bad and sick to my stomach. The old lady seemed really benevolent to me.

The make up of a person

I heard a line from a recent movie I've seen, "I just don't want the abuse and trauma define me."

I am old...

Every time my friends tell me that friends are the family that they can pick just makes me feel so old. I know I used to feel the same way, but I can't bring myself to it anymore. Maybe I am jaded and understand that friends don't always stick together. Sometime down the road, everyone will part. Although some small part of me is still remains hopeful of all of us still remaining friends in years to come, deep down inside I know there are quite a few reasons why this group of friends cannot last.

Regardless of how pessimistic I feel at the moment about these friends, I am still very glad that I got them to spend Thanksgiving with this year.

I've been a bad boy this week...

Sex, drugs, and alcohol... Well...everything except for sex. It was pathetic. I was over a friend's house for Thanksgiving Dinner, to which I've made the turkey and it turned out great. The sad part was I dropped an E that night. Rolling, rolling, and rolling. It was not as great as I had remembered.

I hate to admit it...

The fact that I am gay when I am presenting myself during a discussion. It is not because I am ashamed of being gay, but it is because somehow I feel my opinion is undermined due to the fact that I am gay. Sometimes I feel people won't take me seriously because my opinion is biased, as if being a minority because of my sexual orientation somehow renders me incapable of making a logical decision...

Date

We hang out, a lot. But that was just hanging out. Lately, I've begin to take notice that he usually isn't interested in hanging out unless it's just with the two of us. It's starting to feel like dates. The sad thing is, I've never been the one who initiates the first moves. Somehow I think he is the same. All this waiting is driving me crazy. It's especially frustrating since he's closeted, and we rarely get time alone in public. I am going to try and kiss him when I get a chance next time.

I held him to sleep last night

He stayed over again last night. It's hard to define the relationship between us. We are good friends, yet do I feel there is a bit more than that. However, nothing more has occured between us...yet.

He came over last night and asked me for help on his paper, an interview of a person who is anorexic. I helped him as much as I could and we went to sleep together in my bed.

When he first got in on the right side of the bed, I turned over and put my arm on his chest. I could feel his heart racing, and he placed his hand over mine. I was encouraged. I told him let me borrow him for tonight as an ongoing joke we have. He said he'll loan his body for me to hold on to once in a while if I ever got lonely. So I turned him over to his right side, slipped my arm under his neck, wrapped my arms around him, and spooned him. He jokingly said he hoped I won't strangle him at night, and we slept.

The next morning I sprang out of the bed as soon as I heard the alarm going off. He asked me how could I get up so easily in the morning, and I told him I don't like sleeping. Jokingly, in his sarcastic manner, he asked me if I'd be one of those boyfriends who constantly makes the boyfriend do stuff with me. I wonder if he meant anything by it.

In love with a friend

How do you tell someone that you have been friends with for a while that you are developing feelings for him? How do you do it in a way that it won't risk you guys being friends in the future should he not have the same feelings?

The Grove

Went to the Grove with my friend Annie on Saturday. It was suppose to be just an outing, but we ended up spending at least $100 each.

We've decided to go to the farmer's market at The Grove for lunch.
Udder side...
Out lunch was a crepe.
...and a kitty donut.
Santa was flying in for Christmas...
...and this was how they decorated the tree... We kept wondering if it were a fake tree because the stems and the leaves were too green. It turns out they painted everything so it'd last longer...

Weather induced depression

It's true and it's real. Fall and winter comes along and somehow this is the season when most people have light case of depression start showing symptoms. It's probably loneliness and isolation we feel during winter time due to the environmental change and the reduction of day hours.

The counselor asked me to start writing in a journal of what would come up emotionally, though I really don't see a point since I already blog. However, I do find some points where I would like to bring up with him.

When I was about 3, my father used to go to Kendo tournaments and would take my mother, sis, and I along. There was this one time where it took place in a school or some sort and I was locked inside one of the classrooms. I was terrified of the dark then. Scared as I was, after a few minutes my eyes adjusted to the light and I started seeing this moving figure near a window. Then I blacked out. The next thing I remembered was the door was unlocked and I was able to come out. I am really curious about what the blacked out frame was and I really hope it wasn't something horrible.

Another point I want to bring up is I've been obsessing over getting a laptop since September of this year. Actually I've always wanted a laptop ever since I was able to build computers on my own when I was 14, but was never able to afford it. Lately, with the influx of extra dollars as well as friends around me all have laptops, I started looking into getting one. It was my past time for the last 3 months and last week I finally purchased one over the Internet. However, once I pushed the purchase button and the transaction was done there was a void at what used to take up my spare time. I no longer have anything else I am obsessing over and it feels a little empty.

There was another point I'd like to mention. A lot of my gay friends are talking about having children when they are older, and most of them don't see a way to do it except by renting someone's egg and womb. J asked me what I thought of it, and my reply was I don't want to have a biological child unless I am in love with that person. My reason for this is because I am not as conceited as to want to producing a biological being in the mirror image of myself. I think would like to have a child, but it's alright if I adopted. Some people feel that they need to have a biological child in order to love him or her, I feel like they wanted a pet. I mean, shouldn't people have children because they are in love and want to be parents? Usually the later doesn't manifest till the children are born, but that's the advantage for straight people.

Staples Center Clippers night

Took him to the Clippers game on November 8th because he needed to do a report for school the next day... Wish he had told me sooner though, since basketball was not the choice of sports of either one of us.

Luckily, the Clippers played an awesome game. We didn't have dinner before we came to the game, so we stopped by the hotdog stands to buy hot dogs and beer. By the time we got in, it was 21-31 with Dallas leading in second quarter, but the clipper made an amazing come back, which was quite exciting to watch even for someone like me.

I have to say this night felt like a date to me. Heh...

It's a stereotype

I'll delve into details of why I wasn't too happy about my last counseling session. In the beginning of the previous session, we got into my history of physical and verbal abuse from the parents. It's a dark memory that I try to repress. During the time of when it was happening, I did try to seek for help. However, most of the people I talked to didn't know how to deal with the problem. Slowly I began to see myself as a problem, because I didn't understand that they did not know how to approach it. Slowly it became something that I would try not to speak to people about.

Then comes the part of psychology, where people always say that those who study psychology have problems with themselves. I felt like a stereotype: a gay man who is in psychology major because he was abused as a child. I haven't even divulge the fact that my mother touched my penis in front of my cousin and my sister.

A feeling of inadequacy crept upon me. I feel so dirty and so broken, like a used toy. I didn't feel like I belonged on the shelves with everyone else. The inconfidence is sneaking up on me again.

Thanksgiving 2006

Back when I used to live in Maryland, my sister and I would host Thanksgiving dinner for the kids we know that don't have family in the states. Granted they were mainly international students who could care less about the holiday, so the dinner was more for my sister and me. It is still nice tradition though.

Ever since 2001 when I moved to Los Angeles, I've been trying to keep up with the tradition. Last year 2005, was the first year since the tradition started that I didn't host a dinner. It was partly due to complications at the time, as well as being there is no kitchen at where I currently reside. The complication at the time was my ex and I just broke up, and I was really sick from a cold.

This year, however, I am happy to announce that I will be roasting another turkey with my friends.

He stayed over last night

I am pretty sure he's attracted to me. Last night he asked to stay over again, but it was because he wanted to do homework. The whole night neither one of us had any sleep because he would keep shifting towards me on the bed, putting his elbow on me, or his leg over me. At one point I mustered enough courage and wrapped one arm around him and held him while we slept. He put his hand over my arm. I miss his smell even now...

Counseling session

Today was my second counseling session, and it went far beyond my expectations. He dug up my history about what happened between my family, how I was physically and verbally abused, and he even questioned about my relationship which eventually leading to me coming out to him.

It's too much, and I feel so vulnerable.

Things I find it hard to say...

I am starting a blog outside of the one I've been keeping for years because:

1. I am tired of xanga and how outsiders cannot comment
2. There are too many friends in real life that read about my life on there
3. There are too many trackers, no privacy lurking

I am sort of tired of paying for Xanga so I would have access to Xanga skins for a good layout. Secondly, there are too many of my real friends on there that are reading my blog. I feel confined at what I could freely talk about. It's not that I am a private person, but it's their caring that is difficult for me to deal with. I like writing a blog, have one or two sentence feedbacks, and the issue is done and over for me. Third, I can't lurk! One of the things I take joy in is to lurk onto my ex's blog account and see how miserable he is. Heh, heh, heh...